Jokes

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Really? I think I'd just pet him first." Laughing

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

I can't remember if I've posted this before, but it's still good for a laugh Smile

Army quotes

1. To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

2. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other
bastard die for his.

3. Murphy's Law of Combat: "Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder"

4. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick
(1813-1864), last words

5. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

7. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

8. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

9. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

10. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

11. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

12. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

13. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

14. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.

15. Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to
non-metaphorical fires.

16. Friendly fire - isn't.

17. When in doubt empty the magazine.

18. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

19. Clever is getting out alive.

20. The easy way is always mined.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Will you go to heaven?
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. The Pope responds,
"That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed. "Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million.
All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'." Again, the Pope replies,
"That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.
We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account."
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Hmhmhm!

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A Scottish Love Poem.

(Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic?)

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer.

Author Unknown.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love d rugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. Laughing

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Chelsea and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes
to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the
guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes
here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the
gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear,
lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving
foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have
to go to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No - that's the end of the queue."
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

With apologies to the ladies present - I KNOW this is not you! Smile

http://www.bitchslapp.com/viewtopic.php?t=429

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8)Whatever:Is a women's way of sayingF*cKYOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big boobs.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.