Jokes

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Don't touch the walls and make sure the sound is turned on http://www.wimp.com/maze/

After you have finished watch this http://www.metacafe.com/watch/707458/scary_maze_compilation/
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Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him.

The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. the officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Very Happy

_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to
the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're
not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange noise he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk".

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I
can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a
monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, !I have travelled d the earth
and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of
grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you
the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny.
May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the
key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that
door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man
had gone through doors of emerald,....

.......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

. ... ... . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DONT SWEAR AT ME COS I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT ME THIS !!

Joined : 13 Feb 2008 Posts : 23

While getting ready on her wedding night, a bride turns to her new husband and says, "Darling, I have something to confess...... I used to be a hooker."

"Don't worry about it, dearest," says her husband, "Your past is in the past. And..... And, to tell the truth, I find this aspect of your past quite erotic. Tell me more."
"Well," she explains, "My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 49 and 50 degrees north latitude and between 125 and 126 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management...."

"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

As someone who has apent most of their working life as an analyst programmer may I say, Andy, 'Whoa! Is that a good one!' I liked that the programmer was a woman. cheers

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Hell would you say?'
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Sue would love this! Wait til she sees it. Very Happy

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up
a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley 'What do you think
you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans',
he says 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they
carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20
jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think
you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me
look beautiful,' she says. The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of
Stella and it's half the price'.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 22 Aug 2007 Posts : 28

You're right, Wen - I DO love a good blonde joke! Very Happy

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

I was along at Tesco's tonight and saw a car in the car park with a sticker on the windscreen that said 'Are u 2 close?'. There were dents all along the offside and it had a flat tyre Smile

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandpa to visit her
grandma. They get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her grandpa
and bursts into her grandma's room.

Grandma, Grandma," she says excitedly, "as soon as Grandpa comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

What?" said her grandma.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandpa said that as soon as you
croak, we're going to Disneyland !!!"
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Whatever you do don't press it Smile

http://www.85qm.de/up/BigRedButton.swf
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls when a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

If you really did that, Andy, then I think it was a cruel wicked thing to do, but very,very funny. Wish I'd been there. lol!