Midlothian Forum

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Nah, it wisny me. However, as they say, ask a stupid question and.........
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

The Way Kids See Things...

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes,"I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would
you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"

8.) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

10) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what
I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear."
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Merchant and the Fisherman

An American merchant was travelling around close to a Mexican village once.
He then saw this local fisherman arriving back from the sea with a few fish
in his boat.

"How long did it take you to catch the fish?", The merchant asked the
fisherman.

"A very short time", replied the fisherman.

"Why didn't you wait longer so you could catch more fish?" asked the
American merchant.

"Because this much is enough to fill up my family's stomach.", said the
fisherman.

The merchant then asked: "what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"Well, I sleep late; then I'd do a little fishing; then I play with my kids;
then I'd go in the village to drink and play guitar with friends. That's
all we do...", was the Mexican fisherman's response.

The American merchant then said: "Well, I have studied at Harvard and I
can help you. You have to fish more and sell them. Then you can buy a
larger boat with its money and with the income you get off that you can then
buy more fishing boats. Then you'll have a lot more boats for fishing.

"And then what?", asked the fisherman.

The merchant replied: "instead of selling your fish to the medelling man you
can sell them directly to the customers and set up a business for
yourself... Then you'd build a factory and supervise its productions...
Then you'd leave this small village and then you go to Mexico City! And
after that to Los Angeles! And after that to New York... That is where
you'd be doing more important jobs...

The fisherman asked: "how long would that take?"

"About fifteen to twenty years!", said the merchant.

"And then what sir?", asked the fisherman.

The merchant responded: "that is the best part: when the right time comes,
you'd go and sell the company's stocks at a very high price. This will
bring you millions of dollars of revenues!

The fisherman, excited, said, "millions of dollars? And then he asked,
"well, what then?"

The merchant replied: "then you'd be retired! you'd go to a small coastal
village! Where you can sleep late, do a little fishing and play around with
your kids! And then go in the village to play guitar with your friends,
stay late time and have fun.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in
America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty
has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced
plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale
and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank
was suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate
Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

A Department of Water representative stopped at a Saskatchewan farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.
The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..........

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

http://www.pejman.com/jokes/1990_2008_TV.jpg
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't
Return he went looking and found her. She had been shot.
Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes
Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another
Mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd
Have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove
And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all
The dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of
The nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found
A very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
Sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I
Want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
Back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck
Would say was.....
(scroll down)

No, the duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE ,
You made a MISTAKE' !!!!!!!!!!

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening
the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a
while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket
up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Okay, this has cheered me up a little Smile

http://www.marcofolio.net/imagedump/imagedump_march_2008_part_1.html
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

Inner Peace.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle
of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas send is orn to dem yu fee AR in
ned ov inr pece.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk . I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl then replies... 'Do you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know Sh*t?'
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.....

7-year-old Tim: " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
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7-year-old Mellanie: " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
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7-year-old Grady: "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny...."
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7-year-old Toby: "My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
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7-year-old Sarah: "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much...."
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7-year-old Lilly: "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool...."
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7-year-old Ethan: "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and
they taste disgusting!"
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7-year-old Shirley: "I give dads' beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
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7-year-old Jack: "My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to 'go bury his bone down the street again' but that doesn't make any sense."
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on
the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light
all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name
a Rottweiler "Jesus'"........
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 237

If Everyone on eBay Was Forced to be Honest http://www.cracked.com/article_16482_if-everyone-on-ebay-was-forced-be-honest.html
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.