Jokes

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in
the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here
sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our
neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh sh*t!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into
her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she
saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with
marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Cats, eh?

*** Begin forwarded message:

Dear Tom & Jerry,

The red & blue dishes on the kitchen floor near the water cooler are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. As cats, you can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time Jerry, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years and feline attendance is not required.

The paper towel roll in the kitchen & toilet rolls in the bathrooms Jerry are not fun items to drag all over the house & rip to shreds when I'm away.

The house & garden has enough space for two cats to share. You don't have to get ratty with each other because you both want to be in the same spot at the same time.

I know where the cat biscuits are kept Tom. You don't need to keep reminding me where they are by standing in front of the cupboard and moaning at me to give you some. You are already overweight & should consider enrolling at Weight Watchers.

I know you have your heart in the right place Jerry when you proudly present me with a poor bird that you cleverly caught in the neighbourhood. Please stop this activity because birds are God's creatures too. If you don't stop, I will be forced to fit a louder bell to your collar.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell your fellow cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Cats:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are just animals. To me, Tom & Jerry are my adopted son & daughter respectively who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and can't speak clearly.

Remember: Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. Jerry can't get pregnant, because she's fixed.
12. Tom can't get up to mischief because he's fixed too.

*** End of Forwarded message.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over
60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military (up
until recently the age cutoff was 35).

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending
18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You
shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving
us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on
the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep,
I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us
kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel
better and shut us up for a while...

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old
guys always get up early to pee so, what the hell. Besides, like
I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I
may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would
be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for
years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, how ever. I've
been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of
a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty
girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes,
not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a
little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million
pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who
know that their best years are already behind them.

Share this with your senior friends.
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Makes more sense. Very Happy

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Oh no, my mouse is overheating. I reckon I've overdone it, this is what I get when I move my mouse now: http://www.flamingcursor.com/
_________________
Andy

Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.