The Queen and Prince Philip are talking.

Queen: Philip, one has come to a monumental decision.

Philip: Not again Liz! Last time you did that we ended up having Edward.

Queen: No! I'm going to dissolve parliament, all these money grabbing b*stards
running the country.

Philip: What! Who is going to bloody run it then?

Queen: We are. The whole family!

Philip: What like the fe*king Mafia?

Queen: Look you can run the Foreign Office, you're good with Jonny foreigner.

Philip: True.

Queen: And we have natural leaders for every job in the cabinet - Charles can
handle the environment, Zara can do sport and of course Harry can
handle immigration policy!

Philip: Actually on reflection it's a great idea!

Queen: Too right it is............... Now, Windsor or Balmoral?

Philip: What about them?

Queen: For the second home allowance!

Author Unknown...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes grew large and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs
and Ds, but get it right."

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to do exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly quiet after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored"

Tower Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately".

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway".

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers...."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
land"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The next time telesales call... http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/english/counterscript.pdf

What's in a name?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,
'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some
dinner.'

Unstinting Bravery.

A Harley Davidson rider was passing the zoo when he saw a little girl
standing near a lion's cage. Suddenly the lion grabbed her by the sleeve
and tried to pull her close to slaughter her, while her parents screamed for
help.

The biker leapt from his machine, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch. The lion released the girl and the biker
brought her to her terrified but grateful parents.

A Daily Mail reporter who has seen the whole event said, "Sir, that was
the most gallant and brave deed I have ever witnessed."

The biker replied, "It was nothing really, the lion was behind bars. I just
saw the little kid in danger and acted as I felt I should."

The reporter said, "Well, I'm a journalist from the Daily Mail and
tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. What political
affiliation do you have?"

The biker replied, "I'm a member of the BNP."

The following morning t he biker bought the ' Mail to see if it did
indeed report his deeds. The headlines read,

"HELL'S ANGEL ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

The Blonde Stewardess...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to
announce to The entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans, Please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

To Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall rather Than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling.... 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is wrong with you?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS...................... But I was wrong, too!"

Apparently the American Medical Association has
weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration
had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under
a misconception.

Ophthalmologist considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new
face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the
entire decision up to the assholes in Congress.

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex
with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then
asked for his free sex..

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck
then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were
close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray...It
ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."