Jokes

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Goulburn and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.

Joined : 22 Aug 2007 Posts : 10

A man goes into a doctors and says "I think I'm a moth."

The doctor looks at him and replies "You don't need a doctor, I think you need to see a psychiatrist."

The man says "I know, I was going to see one but I saw your light was on!"

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Hey! I got both of those. Do you think I might be growing a sense of humour? (chortle) Very Happy

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Ever notice that your icons move around sometimes? Well, this explains
the phenomenon Smile

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gunna have to explain it five times."

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer
from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton
and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me
to stop, or just slow down?"

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

Musicman, I'm blonde (well, more blonde than grey) and I have just one thing to say. Do you really want to explain that blind man joke six times? Very Happy

Joined : 22 Aug 2007 Posts : 28

Oh, don't get me started......as a blonde who has heard almost every blonde joke, I'm now compiling myself a very large volume of "blonde revenge" jokes, so be warned!!

PS: Andy, don't go ruining it all by claiming to be blonde.....strictly speaking, if you are a man, then you are a blond! Laughing

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him
the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the
driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he
didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,
to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault
at all.Today is my first day driving a cab.

I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Musicman, this joke has been going since I was a lass.
They say the old ones are the best.
It's something out of a 'Carry On' film isn't it? I have an image of the tall, young, one. Jim something-or-other with a stethoscope.

Joined : 29 Aug 2007 Posts : 55

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Joined : 26 Aug 2007 Posts : 54

Wicked Musicman! flower

Admin Joined : 28 Apr 2007 Posts : 260

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the
driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car
please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The
man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too!”