Jokes

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Goulburn and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.

A man goes into a doctors and says "I think I'm a moth."

The doctor looks at him and replies "You don't need a doctor, I think you need to see a psychiatrist."

The man says "I know, I was going to see one but I saw your light was on!"

Hey! I got both of those. Do you think I might be growing a sense of humour? (chortle)

Ever notice that your icons move around sometimes? Well, this explains
the phenomenon http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. Not if I'm gunna have to explain it five times."

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tyred.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer
from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton
and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me
to stop, or just slow down?"

Musicman, I'm blonde (well, more blonde than grey) and I have just one thing to say. Do you really want to explain that blind man joke six times?

Oh, don't get me started......as a blonde who has heard almost every blonde joke, I'm now compiling myself a very large volume of "blonde revenge" jokes, so be warned!!


PS: Andy, don't go ruining it all by claiming to be blonde.....strictly speaking, if you are a man, then you are a blond!

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him
the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the
driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he
didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,
to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault
at all.Today is my first day driving a cab.

I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

Musicman, this joke has been going since I was a lass.
They say the old ones are the best.
It's something out of a 'Carry On' film isn't it? I have an image of the tall, young, one. Jim something-or-other with a stethoscope.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Wicked Musicman!

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the
driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car
please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.” The
man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too!”

Wen wrote:

Musicman, this joke has been going since I was a lass.
They say the old ones are the best.
It's something out of a 'Carry On' film isn't it? I have an image of the tall, young, one. Jim something-or-other with a stethoscope.

Actually, it was Doctor in the House (1954).
"That nice Mr Bogarde, dearie!"

Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Really? I think I'd just pet him first."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

I can't remember if I've posted this before, but it's still good for a laugh

Army quotes

1. To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

2. The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other
bastard die for his.

3. Murphy's Law of Combat: "Never forget that your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder"

4. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick
(1813-1864), last words

5. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

7. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

8. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

9. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

10. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

11. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

12. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

13. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

14. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.

15. Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to
non-metaphorical fires.

16. Friendly fire - isn't.

17. When in doubt empty the magazine.

18. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

19. Clever is getting out alive.

20. The easy way is always mined.

Will you go to heaven?
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE F*CKIN' DEAD

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. The Pope responds,
"That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed. "Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million.
All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'." Again, the Pope replies,
"That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.
We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Hovis Account."

Hmhmhm!

A Scottish Love Poem.

(Who said Scottish guy's aren't romantic?)

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer.

Author Unknown.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love d rugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Chelsea and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes
to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the
guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes
here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the
gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear,
lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving
foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have
to go to Oxford."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No - that's the end of the queue."