Jokes

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex
with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then
asked for his free sex..

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck
then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were
close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray...It
ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. 
  
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might
have to testify about in court. 
  
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language . 
  
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is. 
  
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."  The
attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about." 
  
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!" 
  
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"  The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !" 
  
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" 
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger." 

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just
say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on
them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind.
I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house
was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck
in our driveway. My friend comes over and says
"Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff
up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it
takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I
lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them
fish?" "Nope, talked 'em into giving up. Here's
your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark
bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you
tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but
hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into
one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The
attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me,
and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist.
Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A
guy came over to the house and drove the car around
for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he
gets out of the car, reaches down, and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If
he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The
truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.
I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to
take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...
no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...
until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help
myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's
your sign."

THE TOP TWELVE INDICATORS THE ECONOMY IS BAD

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; Do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

yeah very funny i guess it's pretty interesting to find a card in mail

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "his wife's here with his lunch"

These are entries to a Washington post competition
asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line,
and the least romantic second line:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

The secret - an interesting book review
http://www.bloggingwv.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/15wlz0n.jpg

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....



The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

This is proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you male or female?

To find the answer, look down

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Look down, not scroll down!!

A horse walks into a newsagent and says.......
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=6376381&l=2a883d864e&id=683738145

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise
into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular
health and maintain muscle mass. If you're over 50, you might want
to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more
proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



Scroll Down.



























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of Wine.

Universal Laws.

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will
roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal & someone always answers.

5.Law of the Alibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

6.Variation Law- If you change lines, the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you
know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are
the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer,
or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of
the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam
sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness
& cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find
a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

*1) Tim Vine* "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell
you what, never again."

*2) David Gibson* "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two
birds, one stone."

*3) Emo Philips* "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit
them."

*4) Jack Whitehall *"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when
they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short,
fat ginger kid."

*5) Gary Delaney *"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't
afford a dog."

*6) John Bishop* "Being an England supporter is like being the
over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

*7) Bo Burnham* "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names."

*8 ) Gary Delaney* "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath
in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

*9) Robert White* "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates:
Empty."

*10) Gareth Richards* "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them
to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a
number on one and walk into a pub..."

A mate of mine has just started his own business selling land mines
that look like prayer mats. He says prophets are going
through the roof.

If you Love something, set It free...
If It comes back, It will always be yours.
If It doesn`t come back, It was never yours to begin with.

BUT...

If It just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn`t appear to realise that you had set It free......

You either married It or gave birth to It!

As you will be aware, a paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Figure_of_speech> figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticlimax> anticlimax.

Some examples:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following
instructions:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing
the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help
with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just
across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Wonderful English signs from around the world

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS
A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR
OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY..

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A
GOOD TIME

What is Marketing?


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.

Newfoundland Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan

Some interesting fails here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETNpuiETkeA&feature=related

Stupid mistake by Airdrie United football team:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1329830/Airdrie-United-football-club-puts-Nazi-picture-Remembrance-Day-programme.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Christmas joke

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.