Jokes

With apologies to the ladies present - I KNOW this is not you!

http://www.bitchslapp.com/viewtopic.php?t=429

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm.This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8)Whatever:Is a women's way of sayingF*cKYOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"

Don't touch the walls and make sure the sound is turned on http://www.wimp.com/maze/

After you have finished watch this http://www.metacafe.com/watch/707458/scary_maze_compilation/

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him.

The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. the officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to
the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he
asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're
not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange noise he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk".

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I
can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a
monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, !I have travelled d the earth
and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of
grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you
the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny.
May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the
key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that
door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man
had gone through doors of emerald,....

.......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind
that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.





















. ... ... . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.



DONT SWEAR AT ME COS I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT ME THIS !!

While getting ready on her wedding night, a bride turns to her new husband and says, "Darling, I have something to confess...... I used to be a hooker."

"Don't worry about it, dearest," says her husband, "Your past is in the past. And..... And, to tell the truth, I find this aspect of your past quite erotic. Tell me more."
"Well," she explains, "My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 49 and 50 degrees north latitude and between 125 and 126 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management...."

"I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

As someone who has apent most of their working life as an analyst programmer may I say, Andy, 'Whoa! Is that a good one!' I liked that the programmer was a woman.

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Hell would you say?'

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

Sue would love this! Wait til she sees it.

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up
a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley 'What do you think
you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans',
he says 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they
carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20
jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think
you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me
look beautiful,' she says. The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of
Stella and it's half the price'.

You're right, Wen - I DO love a good blonde joke!

I was along at Tesco's tonight and saw a car in the car park with a sticker on the windscreen that said 'Are u 2 close?'. There were dents all along the offside and it had a flat tyre

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandpa to visit her
grandma. They get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her grandpa
and bursts into her grandma's room.

Grandma, Grandma," she says excitedly, "as soon as Grandpa comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

What?" said her grandma.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandpa said that as soon as you
croak, we're going to Disneyland !!!"

Whatever you do don't press it http://www.85qm.de/up/BigRedButton.swf

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls when a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

If you really did that, Andy, then I think it was a cruel wicked thing to do, but very,very funny. Wish I'd been there.

Nah, it wisny me. However, as they say, ask a stupid question and.........

The Way Kids See Things...

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes,"I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would
you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will
never believe this!"

8.) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"

10) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what
I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear."

Merchant and the Fisherman

An American merchant was travelling around close to a Mexican village once.
He then saw this local fisherman arriving back from the sea with a few fish
in his boat.

"How long did it take you to catch the fish?", The merchant asked the
fisherman.

"A very short time", replied the fisherman.

"Why didn't you wait longer so you could catch more fish?" asked the
American merchant.

"Because this much is enough to fill up my family's stomach.", said the
fisherman.

The merchant then asked: "what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"Well, I sleep late; then I'd do a little fishing; then I play with my kids;
then I'd go in the village to drink and play guitar with friends. That's
all we do...", was the Mexican fisherman's response.

The American merchant then said: "Well, I have studied at Harvard and I
can help you. You have to fish more and sell them. Then you can buy a
larger boat with its money and with the income you get off that you can then
buy more fishing boats. Then you'll have a lot more boats for fishing.

"And then what?", asked the fisherman.

The merchant replied: "instead of selling your fish to the medelling man you
can sell them directly to the customers and set up a business for
yourself... Then you'd build a factory and supervise its productions...
Then you'd leave this small village and then you go to Mexico City! And
after that to Los Angeles! And after that to New York... That is where
you'd be doing more important jobs...

The fisherman asked: "how long would that take?"

"About fifteen to twenty years!", said the merchant.

"And then what sir?", asked the fisherman.

The merchant responded: "that is the best part: when the right time comes,
you'd go and sell the company's stocks at a very high price. This will
bring you millions of dollars of revenues!

The fisherman, excited, said, "millions of dollars? And then he asked,
"well, what then?"

The merchant replied: "then you'd be retired! you'd go to a small coastal
village! Where you can sleep late, do a little fishing and play around with
your kids! And then go in the village to play guitar with your friends,
stay late time and have fun.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in
America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty
has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced
plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale
and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank
was suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate
Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.

A Department of Water representative stopped at a Saskatchewan farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.
The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..........


'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'