Jokes

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms!'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure;
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted, to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man?
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

(scroll down )








' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'



WAIT !! WAIT !! THERE IS MORE...........................



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but..'



(. . . Wait for it ...)



(.. . . It's worth it.. ...)







'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'









Remember I only pass them on

Steve always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his
friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure
him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so
completely bad, so terrible, that even Steve could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Steve, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Steve, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Steve, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Some Tesco jokes:

Checked my Tesco burgers in the fridge ... and they're off!
Sat here reading the label on these Tesco burgers and it turns out they are fairly low in fat but surprisingly high in Shergar.
Traces of zebras found in Tesco bar codes.
Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of SHERGAR BUM?
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lambs and some burgers. So that's white rum, Navy rum and Red Rum.
Had a Tesco beef burger for lunch today. After I'd finished it, I found I had a bit between my teeth.
HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means horse meat voucher.
A Tesco burger walks into a bar "Pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger "I'm a little horse".
Tesco have just sacked their meat buyer. They are looking for someone to take over the reins. But nobody wants to be saddled with the responsibility.
Went to a Tesco cafe for my dinner, the waitress said "Do you want anything on your burger?" So I had a Fiver each way.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son
what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's
house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok,
we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even
know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,
"Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

For those of you that just love your autocorrect   
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/70268/the-50-best-autocorrects-of-2013/

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No - wait until morning

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency

Q. What are 'Do It' 'I Can Help' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought,
he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the
fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a
knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has
ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does
his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him
gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he
weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years
but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable
nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Nature is truly breath-taking!

https://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Whoa! Time out for a safety lesson!
As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.

Like this guy!

http://armyphotos.togetherweserved.com/439595.jpg


I know, I saw it right away too....
No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important: He has no gloves on.

I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack!