Jokes

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't
Return he went looking and found her. She had been shot.
Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes
Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another
Mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd
Have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove
And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all
The dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of
The nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found
A very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
Sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I
Want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
Back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck
Would say was.....
(scroll down)













No, the duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting!


















The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE ,
You made a MISTAKE' !!!!!!!!!!

Is China Ready for the Olympics?

http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics1.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics2.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics3.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics4.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics5.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics6.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics7.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics8.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics9.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics10.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics11.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics12.jpg
http://www.pejman.com/jokes/China_Olympics13.jpg

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening
the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a
while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some
fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket
up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast

Okay, this has cheered me up a little
http://www.marcofolio.net/imagedump/imagedump_march_2008_part_1.html

Inner Peace.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle
of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas send is orn to dem yu fee AR in
ned ov inr pece.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk . I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly
and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl then replies... 'Do you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know Sh*t?'

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.....

7-year-old Tim: " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Mellanie: " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Grady: "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Toby: "My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Sarah: "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Lilly: "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Ethan: "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and
they taste disgusting!"
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Shirley: "I give dads' beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Jack: "My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to 'go bury his bone down the street again' but that doesn't make any sense."

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on
the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light
all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name
a Rottweiler "Jesus'"........

If Everyone on eBay Was Forced to be Honest http://www.cracked.com/article_16482_if-everyone-on-ebay-was-forced-be-honest.html

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in
the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here
sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our
neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh sh*t!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into
her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she
saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with
marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Cats, eh?

*** Begin forwarded message:

Dear Tom & Jerry,  

The red & blue dishes on the kitchen floor near the water cooler are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the
object.  Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  As cats, you can actually curl up in a ball when you sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time Jerry, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years and feline attendance is not required.

The paper towel roll in the kitchen & toilet rolls in the bathrooms Jerry are not fun items to drag all over the house & rip to shreds when I'm away.

The house & garden has enough space for two cats to share. You don't have to get ratty with each other because you both want to be in the same spot at the same time.

I know where the cat biscuits are kept Tom. You don't need to keep reminding me where they are by standing in front of the cupboard and moaning at me to give you some. You are already overweight & should consider enrolling at Weight Watchers.

I know you have your heart in the right place Jerry when you proudly present me with a poor bird that you cleverly caught in the neighbourhood.  Please stop this activity because birds are God's creatures too.  If you don't stop, I will be forced to fit a louder bell to your collar.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell your fellow cat's butt.   I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Cats:
1. They live here.  You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it    "fur"niture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are just animals.  To me, Tom & Jerry are my adopted son & daughter respectively who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and can't speak clearly.

Remember: Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. Jerry can't get pregnant, because she's fixed.
12. Tom can't get up to mischief because he's fixed too.

*** End of Forwarded message.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over
60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military (up
until recently the age cutoff was 35).


They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending
18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You
shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving
us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on
the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep,
I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us
kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel
better and shut us up for a while...

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old
guys always get up early to pee so, what the hell. Besides, like
I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I
may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would
be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for
years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the
screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, how ever. I've
been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of
a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty
girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes,
not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a
little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million
pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who
know that their best years are already behind them.

Share this with your senior friends.

Makes more sense.

Oh no, my mouse is overheating. I reckon I've overdone it, this is what I get when I move my mouse now: http://www.flamingcursor.com/

Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot
in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable
clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill
slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when
he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get
it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre
estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to
find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met,
saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the
Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he
deserve better?"

"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the
Titanic only crashed once."

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ..'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.  You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues:

Man:
"Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  However, yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? '"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm not a Catholic, Father. I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this, my son?"

Man: "Father, I'm 92 years old ................I'm telling everybody."

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your
Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't
help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and
sat under a sign that said,' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant
sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain
myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20..

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for
it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week,
you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex
or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating
on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! The case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this,
I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto
for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I
guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His
forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a
choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"