Jokes

Maths teacher pranks students.
http://www.videobash.com/video_show/math-teacher-pranks-students-6175

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London ...

European Terror Alerts (A spoof by John Cleese)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be all right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ....
Richard: He makes bread . . .....
Contestant: Er .. .........
Richard: He makes cakes . . .....
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .....

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific..

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan. Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... ...... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . .. .. Kor .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way.. Today I run, yesterday I . . .....
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

Dale Winton's "In It To Win It":
Winton: Skegness is a coastal town on which body of water? Is it a) the North Sea, b) the Irish Sea or c) the English Channel?
Contestant: Oh I know this one Dale, you might as well start writing the cheque out now. Skegness is on the East coast of England, so the answer must be the Irish Sea.

Nearly everyone believes is some sort of heaven ... Jews, Christians,
Muslims, Taoists, Buddhists (they call it nirvana), Hindus, etc.

It's more a fervent hope that something better than this follows on
after we die if we were good enough ... or a lot of us would just
abandon the struggle and pull the plug.

Of course, all heavens have some common features ... like a gate
keeper and bureaucrats in charge of record keeping, and assigning
wings, and overseeing tasks like polishing the stars and moving clouds
around and putting the sun up every morning ... and like that.

After you get past the gate keeper there is a processing centre:

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto
the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to
the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken
by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super
human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and
throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress
got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. The second
applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of
an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my
tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony
rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the
balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some
awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest
falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was
hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next
room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellows in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding
in this cedar chest....."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses £500 on a single hand, clutches
his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen
comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts
looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw
straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it
is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the
Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost £500 playing cards." She hollers,
"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the
hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do
with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”


“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages.”


“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left
over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick.”

Apparently a new drink is sweeping America. Two shots and a splash of water - called the OBL.

Technology...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed,
an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and,
shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper
wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than
the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester , Jack Lucknow,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
bugger all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,
Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British.

IF you thought you were a bad hotel guest for failing to wash up or
make your bed then think again, a comedian has been leaving
some "creepy" surprises behind that are designed to truly shock hotel staff.

http://www.news.com.au/travel/news/is-this-the-worst-hotel-guest-ever/story-e6frfq80-1226041632612

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Weshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, an Italian, a Norweigian and an African all went to a Night Club.

The Bouncer said "Sorry lads, I can 't let you in without a Thai "

Surely one of the best headlines ever... drunk-put-finger-up-policewomans-bottom click link to read story

Don't Lie to your Moma

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with
a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's Roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
Started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate
Than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are
Just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your

Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down
And wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from
My house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains
That it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama
which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying
That you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was
Sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama
Moral: Never lie to your mama.

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio
with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know
how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me .............. talking to the wine."

Bubba, a furniture dealer from down to Bayou Lafitte,
decided to expand the line of furniture in his store,
so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers
and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small
bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that
the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Bubba couldn't understand);
so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group
playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

You may have seen these already...

The funniest jokes in the festival were judged to be:

Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what
kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their Dad for a clue. The dad said - "well its what
Mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an asshole.

We had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck!"

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck, "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for a week. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.......

"What the fu*k would they want with a plasterer?!?!"

These are entries To A Washington Post
Competition asking For A Two-Line
Rhyme With The Most Romantic First Line,
And The Least Romantic Second Line:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'


11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

In gods we trust. All others - ca$h!!!

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to urinate.

Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal and someone always answers.

Variation Law-If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.

Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

Law of the Theaters, Stadiums & Arenas - At any event, the people whose
seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones
who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the
toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game
is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the
performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and
cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance-If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a
product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an
appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Surely the unluckiest dog in the world?

Additions to Andy's Laws
Ford's Law: In any car park, if you park next to an empty space someone will drive into that space just as you are about to open the car door.
Tesco's Law of Concurrence: Anyone preceding you out of a supermarket pushing a full trolley will be heading for the car in the bay to your right.
(In France this is known as LeClerc's Law — in which case for 'right' read 'left') [Driver's side, ye ken!]
Morrison's Corollary: Tesco's Law applies particularly if you have only stopped for a newspaper and are in a hurry, in which case the other party will make it as hard as possible for you to move your car.
Meldrew's Law of Parking: In any car park where the bay ahead of you is empty so that you don't need to reverse out of your bay, someone will drive into the bay in front just as you engage gear.

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found
Stevie O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following
password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, 'Lard
t'underin geesus! Are yez blind er' stupid?

"I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one
capital!"